We are about one quarter of the way through the baseball season and I don't know about anyone else, but it already feels like it has been a full season. The baseball season seems to take longer than a toddler trying to read Game of Thrones. So to create some excitement and to amuse myself I have decided to come up with new slogans for each MLB teams to try and get fans to actually be interested this early in the season. Without further to do, here we go:
Baltimore Orioles: We still have one of the prettiest parks in baseball and hey, we are in first place!....for now.
Boston Red Sox: Free hot dogs for life for anyone that can free-climb the Green Monster!
New York Yankees: Your favorite fare-well tour team! Come see Derek Jeter sacrifice bunt one more time!
Toronto Blue Jays: As the best .500 team is baseball we can guarantee there is a 50 percent chance we will win!
Tampa Bay Rays: Our stadium is so empty you can probably sit anywhere!
Detroit Tigers: As long as Verlander is on the roster Kate Upton might be at our home games!
Kansas City Royals: We are in second place! Don't believe it? Come see for yourself!
Chicago White Sox: Would you rather go watch the cubs?
Cleveland Indians: Johnny Football will probably throw out all of our opening pitches since he can't throw a football!
Minnesota Twins: If you can name 5 players on the roster you can win a car!
Oakland Athletics: Now playing Moneyball on the big screen at all games!
Seattle Mariners: We didn't spend more money than you will make in your life on Robinson Cano for nothing!
Los Angeles Angles: Don't forget we actually play in Anaheim.
Texas Rangers: Come race Prince Fielder around the bases! If you win, free tickets for life!*
*He gets a two base head start
Houston Astros: Didn't we change divisions?
Atlanta Braves: We have a tomahawk chant at all our games, but still aren't as racist as the Redskins!
Washington Nationals: If Strasburg DOESN'T give up a first inning run we will refund half your ticket!
Miami Marlins: So our name change didn't go as well Tampa, but at least we aren't in Tampa.
New York Mets: We got nothing.
Philadelphia Phillies: Forever vicariously living through our 2008 World Series Championship!
Milwaukee Brewers: Maybe you guys could figure out why we are doing so well because we have no idea!
St. Louis Cardinals: Come on, we are good every year.
Cincinnati Reds: Take a gamble on us! Pete Rose did.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Remember when we made the playoffs last year?
Chicago Cubs: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
San Fransisco Giants: We are finally done paying Barry Zito millions of dollars to pitch mediocre baseball!
Colorado Rockies: It looks like we are doing good this year and hey, it's easier to get drunk in the higher altitudes!
Los Angeles Dodgers: At least we aren't owned by Donald Sterling!
San Diego Padres: We still have those cool camouflage uniforms!
Arizona Diamondbacks: We beat the Yankees in the World Series once!
All kidding aside, I do enjoy baseball, I just can't invest into this early in the season. I will say however, that if the season continues on the trend it is now we could have one of the most exciting second halves in MLB history. As of right now 19 of the 30 teams are withing four games of .500 on the plus and minus side. The largest division lead on second place is 5.5 games. In the AL East every team except the Blue Jays have a negative run differential. The Jays are plus 15 and sitting in fourth. I can't make sense of anything. These slogans may help with the first half, but if things stay this tight there will be no need to convince people to tune into the second half. Until then though, let's just be glad Game of Thrones is on every Sunday night so we don't have to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates vs the St. Louis Cardinals on ESPN.